I've found that my rants and general thoughts are much more organized when i publish them online so it was only natural for me to start one of these here blogs. A brilliant way to chronicle my adventures (or lack of) and share them with y'all.
I just read a few of my journals and I realized how much I question my decisions. I try to back them up, but there is an inherent sense of doubt in them. I'm not so sure how i feel about that. I always thought I was a pretty humorous and carefree person. I don't bleed rainbows and sunshine or anything like that but I've got my moments. I mean sure, i hate happy people. i mean who do they think they are? But at the same time, i appreciate happiness. My journals make it seem like I yearn for happiness, like I'm full of angst (insert potter puppet pals impression here), like "I'm angry and pubescent and i don't know why."
For example:
April 14th
"I did not listen. I am now in a quicksand of situations and I can't get out. Why did i do that?"Truth: I usually like to make my own mistakes. I feel like I learn much better that way... or maybe that's just me.
Truth: I complain way to much about things I got myself into, but to my credit, I always acknowledge the fact that I got myself into said mess.
Truth: I should probably end this idea I have of making my own mistakes.
So this summer, even with the craziness at the house, I have been happier than I have been in months. I've refocused my life (Ok i know this doesn't sound like the regular Spear Chucker because of the whole "I'm happy" thing and the "things are looking up" deal but ignore this for a second. My cynicism should be back soon.) and decided to essentially cut the crap and be thankful for what I have instead of dwelling on what went wrong or how much my inheritance has been cut by ( seriously... if my father cuts me out I will truly be a hobo).
Ok...so back to the whole point of this deal.
I watched perhaps the best thrashing I've ever seen in tennis. Rafa (hot damn what a specimen of man) killed, no devoured Federer in the french open 6-1, 6-3, 6-0. I don't even know why people continue to play him on clay. I mean it is just gutting to know you will have to play Nadal (on clay... grass is a totally different thing). Dude didn't even celebrate because it was a pointless match.
Germany vs. Poland... poor Polish loose a war and a football match (11th in a row...they have never beaten Deutchland). Sucks to be them huh? No...actually it sucks to be Austria. When your own fans petition for you (the host country) to take yourself out of the competition... that sucks. Credit to them, they played a brilliant second half...but still lost. Also i would like to point out that collectively, they are a pretty good looking team. Kudos to their hair stylists...clearly they spend more time in the salon than they do on the practice field. 92nd in the world? Shame.
Celtics vs. Lakers: Good games as usual. Lakers couldn't hold on for a game 2 win as I predicted. I wonder who Kobe will cheat on his wife with tonight. dude must be pissed.
I have also decided that surgery is not for me. I like dissecting things, cutting shit up in general...but doing it for 3+ hours straight? My mind wanders... i don't want to be all up in someone's atrium and thinking oh shit...i wonder who won the match or damn I can't believe there is a scuff on my shoes...who the hell scuffed up my pumas. Plus i don't want to have to spend the inheritance on lawyer fees. I need something that embraces my ADD, something that lets me go all over the place without any consequences. For the first time...I have no idea what I want to be.
Suggestions? lol
15 comments:
I love you Khadija so rant. RANT ON LOVELY.
Let's see... you could be a sports announcer since you sound like a cracked out ESPN 13 host anyway with your reporting on useless spots that have no significance. (Significance is define by both myself and capitalism.)
What is this nonsense about being happy? I should slap you. You failed at life and that makes you happy? In order for you to be "happier" I'll send you transfer papers to A&M.
I blame all this on you becoming a sorostitute. They have filled you with their mexican deals... "it's ok to be homeless... fuck necessity just be happy... futbol is worth a damn." All useless concepts that you should be deported for even comtemplating embracing.
Ok on a serious note... What's the deal? Where is my cynical elitist sarcastic mogul of a friend? You're slipping. When you make Emy seem somber you have truly fallen off your game.
"Blinded by a dream." - Wow i should've seen that as a warning. A dream of what, apathy? warm feelings? uncertainty? You have been blinded by your own philosophical justifications of "what matters in life." Of course as usual you are terribly and atrociously mistaken. If MLK saw that title i believe he would piss in your eyes... how's that for literary irony?
If it weren't for people like what you've become i would think the world is worth saving. Now i embrace the russians and the ice caps as euthanasia from all your insatious bullshit.
This would usually be the point that i sign off with some endearing term or even a simple goodbye and my name but i'm not going to do that. I won't write my name under the simple implication that you may read out loud and you don't deserve to say it at this point.
Signed,
Utterly and Perpetually Disappointed
Eric, mon petit bureau de change (Flight of the Conchords). That was brilliant.
"I don't know who wrote it but they are brilliant?" really?
Besides, who knows how long this happiness thing will last. Remember how long the niceness gig lasted?
Apparently i never mean what i say... which i guess makes me a politician.
The title was very befitting of my situation... but if you didn't already notice, i changed it a while ago.
Walahii you are the woman.
I was going to say that you are the man, but then I figured I better teach you to start embracing your feminininity.
Anyway what is this stuff about happiness? Shawty (excuse my urban vernacular) but that is a state of mind.
I sometimes find myself asking whether I'm happy or trying to decipher what makes me happy. But in reality I make myself happy. How? by finding it in the little things. Like my mom waking up in the morning and making anchero, or my brothers doing something good or making me laugh, or damn by just looking in the mirror and seeing this beautiful face look back at me. Alhamdullillah I have my health, I have my family and I have people that love me all around me....that makes me content.
In response to what anonymous said up there, who knows they could be right, sororities are ....in not so many words...weird...still trying to understand why you joined it, anyway Insha'Allaah I am sure you will explain it to me.
Your writing has really inspired me, I love it...I don't know if I can write as well as you do but you know where my forte lies hehe....writing silly things that try to rhyme.
Anyway my dear..lets hope you kno who I am.
TOODLOO!
A wildlife ranger...
just saying.
You could be Ranger Khadija. :)
Awesome!
I think as humans we're always going to be filled with doubt about anything we do, will do, can do, or may do--it's, like you said, inherent. As long as our actions have consequences, we will doubt our choices.
And it's okay to be a happy person. It doesn't make you ignorant or naive or anything other than a person who has decided that they're okay with not having complete control over their life. Because if you believe in any sort of Higher Being, you know that you are being guided, whether you realize it or not. Our world is made of balances, and that's not to say that you should leave your life to fate, but you have to come to terms with the fact that you can't do anything but make the best of what situations are thrown your way.
I'm happy with being happy. Simple as that. And I don't consider it a Mexican ideal. Even if said in jest, it just means there's a half truth (at least to the writer) in there, and that's unacceptable. But only in the sense that only Mexicans can be happy with poverty (how stereotypical is that?!?!) and just care about trivial things like soccer.
Bullshit. If you're human, you can be happy with bad situations. Keep it relative, in perspective: someone is always worse off than you . And while you shouldn't revel in the misery of others, you know that things can go up and down and sideways, but it's your attitude about what happens that defines your life and who you become as a result.
You're a smart person, Khadija, you really are. Most people are so afraid of what they'll find within that they spend so little time in introspection. I used to be one of those people, a long while ago, but after I found journaling/blogging, I've never known myself as I know myself now.
Define yourself, my friend. Don't let society define you. There's a reason so many people can make up a society but we're all hardly the same.
So, to you, I leave these final words:
Chronicle away, dear one!
Ok so you're friend Kristian and I should play a game called let's contradict ourselves then call out the better debater... who knew..she wins. Her opening line says something to the effect that all humans have doubt etc. Which has no inherent warrant whatsoever so a simple "nu uh" would suffice but i'll let her shoot down her own weak claim.
"Higher Being"- aka "God" to some extent. If this was a true stance for anything then where would there be room for doubt? Wouldn't that just be doubting this so called "guidance"?
But we don't need contradictions to make this arguement prove assanine. What about the atheists? are they just not guided or is this one of those self fulfilling half truths.
And about the whole mexican thing its a moot point but for the hell of it i'll beat you on that too. I never said that mexicans were the only ones to embrace these ideals but to the extent that they are a group that do, i'm still right.
K, where did you find this girl a hallmark store? "Our world is made of balances" - wow. Do we call that supply and demand or is she seriously going for some bullshit "happy vs. unhappy" "rich vs. poor" ideal because if so she obviously doesn't believe in darwinism or histoy.
That and my entire arguement on why you're both ignorant and naive is warranted by your misinformed friend. I basically state that you are failing because of your own accord. She is talking about some mystical balance in which "bad situations" arise. You brought this one on yourself. (as you stated.) So what the hell is she talking about?
and since you are being told to "define yourself" just go ahead and disregard anything she's thrown out there to define you. (You're a smart person, you really are... don't let soc. define you).
That and that whole point about being thankful because someone is worse off doesn't help anything. Ok, so if i'm starving but someone else is starving and dying of thirst that still leaves me without food. That does nothing for me whatsoever.
Why do people call me out like i'm you? I'm not the one you wish to argue with... scout's honor. Especially from someone that's hitting that introspection so hard that Dr. Phil would even want you to get a clue.
In conclusion boys and girls there's a thing called reality we need to embrace here. Certain things may not be fun or what not but you suck it up and do what you have to. If you don't then you fail...at life. Balance or no balance... religion or none.. nothing is going to be handed to you in this lifetime Khadija. So dismiss this "happiness is what you make it" bullshit or you really will be a bum who rants to themselves about soccer all day. End of discussion.
haha oh man!
can Kristian follow that? we shall see.
As for your last paragraph E, I know nothing is gonna be handed to me. I also embrace this lovely idea of reality which is why I said I will "cut the crap." I'm thankful, not because there are people out there worse off than I am (seriously... what do they do for me?), but because I appreciate what I have.
Peace, love and weed...
on second thought, cut out the peace and love for my entertainment.
Man, I wish I was as cool as this debate kid. I mean, really. I'm hoping I'll get paid millions for being a professional debater.
Oh wait.
Anyway, you know why I wrote those things, and I'm not going to pretend to need to justify myself to someone as cynical as your friend.
but I will, just for the heck of it. "Do I contradict myself? Very well, I contradict myself."
I'm with Whitman on this one.
"with their mexican deals..." - from his first comment
i'm guessing you meant ideals, but you can't blame your typo for your singling out Mexicans. if you didn't mean it in that sense, why bring it up?
And yes, she actually did find me under a Hallmark store. How ever did you know? Under originality, ironic as that is...
I am very well versed in my history, and thus, I know enough to realize that balances do exist in our world. Especially in history. If I'm wrong, then Marx and Hegel are equally wrong. I wasn't talking about opposites, but I won't bore you with what I'm sure you're already well aware of, ok?
Back to you, Khadija, I think we've been through enough that you understand what I'm saying. As to the thinking that someone is worse off than you, it's humbling, it creates a perspective. It's no wonder that most people work hard just to stay in the exact same position they're in now, with some ameliorating themselves and rising. But how often do people fail? Quite often. And what's their motivation for rising up again? Because they don't want to go back to that misery they experienced before. That's why you can't disregard those in more miserable situations. They make you realize a potential reality.
and it wouldn't kill you to be compassionate. I definitely don't think you want to be a country club drone who thinks they deserve to spit into glass bowls and have it worshiped. I have to deal with those assholes on a daily basis, and it's so sad (for them) that even though they've got millions, they're so unhappy. I really have never seen an unhappier bunch (i can state this because i've observed them for almost 4 summers). Not to say that only rich people are unhappy (obviously), i've just found it to be more generally true than those of more limited resources (those that i've encountered). Sorry, minor rant. Back to the point.
I can't believe you'd say "what do they do for me?" I thought you were a different person than that, Khadija! I just hope you don't see our friendship as a give or take situation. I like to help out just for the heck of it, and rarely stop to think what I will get out of the situation. For shame.
Anyway, I'm done. I have to shower. 11 hour work shifts should not be allowed, but it's all good.
Ha ha, i just noticed the "end of discussion."
typical male. i guess we're 1-1 in the stereotyping department, yeah? but, it could just be my all-girls school private education talking. or laughing at the fact that a debater wouldn't even fathom a counterargument.
Yes i said "what do they do for me." why, you ask?
because i would rather be thankful, just for the hell of it. not because there are other people suffering. It's like remembering God when things are going well AND when they are down in the dumps. you have more incentive to do it when you are miserable, but it's even better when your life is brilliant.
"For shame" haha oh you know just what to say. and yes i understand what you were telling me and appreciate it very much.
see eric, there are balances in life. I have cynical people and people who are optimistic lovers of life as friends. totally balances out my sanity.
Okay, I can see what you're saying. I gave less importance to the second half of your previous statement. Apologies.
And you're right about that. I've been doing Bible study with some of Laura's sisters, and that's really the main thing we all struggle with... it's easy to be thankful when things are going badly, but sometimes you forget when things are well because you almost take it for granted...
i'm glad i'm a sunny balance, Khadija. but i'm not glad I heard the Kooks on the radio today. ha ha, i almost made a video and sent it to you. :)
Don't feel so bad about wanting to be as cool as i am, you're not alone. Professional debaters... oh you mean like politicians and lawyers... yeah the lower half of society...
oh wait.
And as for the question of bringing something up or not.. I believe you are a Whitman fanm so "it shouldn't be a matter of a "why" limitation but one should look to why not". But that's beside the point... or maybe in front of it, who knows. So would you contend that it's a good thing to contradict yourself?
You were found in a corporate america under originality in a franchised store that mass produces this happy sense of fantasy and you call that irony? That's intense.
As far as this balance nonsense goes. Hegel and Marx aren't the only opoosing forces in any debate so there is no balance (balance isn't just both sides existing). That and Marx and the marxists of today would argue on the side of economics controlling every major human endeavor. So as i said earlier, this balance may be marked as "supply and demand" certainly not "good and evil" or anything else like that.
Don't listen Khadija, it will kill you. I call it capitalism. People are worse off than me... oh God that's not a selffulfilling biased perspective at all. What if no one is worse off than me? I mean in the realm of happiness, how is that not completely subjective? That and that's a bullshit stance to have when also trying to not have society define or shape you. hahaha it's ok though contradictions only builds faith in one's ablility to reason...
oh wait.
Oh and i embrace the idea of counterarguements... i just expected better from someone with such a high private all girl school education. Who am i to question political ideals or social/historical empirics? I can't say that i went to an all girls school but i get paid to have meals with presidents and they seem to listen to believe i'm qualified as a speech writer. I'm new to this, does that balance? lol.
I may be a male but there isn't much that's typical about me. Besides you can just go listen to James Brown... being a man isn't oh so bad.
Well I'm glad you were so convinced that your previous post was the "end of the discussion." Obviously it wasn't.
And I can't say debate really drew my interest in during high school, and my point about my education made sense in the context... It was an education teeming with feminism undertones (sometimes not as subtle), but having not taken debate, I can't say I adequately analyze anyone else's statements just to counter argue them. There's little value in it (outside of competition) because I'm not out to change anyone's mind. I'm just stating what I believe in, and if you don't like it then tough. I could really care less. But I suppose you care enough to create counter arguments... I'm just defending my opinions. So, hoorah, you're the better debater. And I would certainly hope so being a professional debater and all. Alas, I am not. And yet somehow, I will live and prosper while wallowing in my compassion for those less fortunate...
And kudos to sitting with presidents. If that's what you need to think you're a better person, than all the more power to you. Pardon me if I don't find it more impressive. To me, some things are more important than 'social' status, but I won't go into that.
At this point, I think we've strayed enough from the subject that there is little use in making any more comments directed at each other. It is Khadija's blog after all.
oh no believe me, it has been my pleasure. this is solely for my entertainment. If you guys happen to tear each other up in the process... well we can't stop what is already written.
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